For our Dad - Early Father's Day Present

(This post was co-authored by me and my sister Ashley.)

So, in honor of Father’s Day, my sister and I have jointly composed this post to make light of the corporate “Bid-ness” world – something my father loves and well… pretty much eat, sleeps and breathes. Don't worry Dad, we're still getting you presents :: Jam & Ash roll eyes::

See, he's even on YouTube. Watch this after you read the post, just in case you fall asleep. Haha, jk.

My sister is another relative neophyte (pun!) to the corporate world (therefore still having enough memory of how normal people talk to have an outsider’s read on the situation) we came up with the following list. I don’t know why – I think there are plenty of actual words in the English language and why Corporate America feels the need to make new ones is kind of beyond me. This is kinda like an urban dictionary but for uncool corporate types.

On-boarding – as in , here’s your welcome packet, have fun creating 23 passwords and don’t write them down or else you’ll get a passive aggressive write up. And lunch is at noon .

Workflow – Can anyone really define this? But say it in a crowd of business ppl and everyone nods. I think no one knows and everyone is afraid to ask what it *really* means. It’s like “integrity.”

Impact – Makes it sound important and vital. I always conjure up Deep Impact, a movie about a meteor destroying Earth. It’s just like that, but with a TPS report coversheet issue. These typically have downstream affects as well.

Reaching out – as in “Jack should be reaching out to you in the coming week.” A form of passive aggressive behavior, esp when paired with a CC to the person who is to be doing the “reaching out” (The email might as well be “He hasn’t called you yet? Just what, would you say, you do here, Jack?”)

CC – Carbon Copy, a throwback to when they used PAPER as a method of communication (wow… tell us another story about oldentimes, Dad). As in “copy me on that email”. Copy=CC, same # of syllables IDK why it’s more fun to say the letters. Oh wait, I so do get it. Whoa - it's like a bridge btwn the old and the new...deep.

Process [insert verb] – good ones include mapping, improvement… it essentially means tinkering around in Microsoft Visio and not doing any real work. But everyone still gets paid and there will be many meetings.

Ping – aka – instant message me. We think we’re cute when we say this.

End-of-business: You mean... 5:00? Maybe it's like Army time, just making it waaay more complicated than it needs to be and making yourself sound totally lame in the process.

Action plan/item: i.e. What No One Else Wants To Do But You Must. Because you don't have wrinkles and you know how to use a computer.

Business model: Is that like America's Next Top Model? Does it take good pictures? Know how to smile with its eyes? B/c if not, Tyra is *totally* going to send it home. Also I think the original Greek word model means misshapen ball of clay. IDK how that translates to a “Business”.

Strategic initiative: Flavor of the week

Value-add: Make yourself useful already!

Breakout sessions: Does this involve a teenybopper actress and Noxzema? Or breaking out into songs about strategy, Broadway musical-style with jazz hands and costumes? No? Alright, I give up then. Probably something much more boring.

...And my personal all-time favorite:

"Please advise": Passive-aggressive way of saying tell me WTH you're talking about. I've seen a gloves-on e-mail fight using please advise; it's not pretty (I was CC-ed –see note above- on the conversation). The translated version was:

"I think you're a dumbass. Please advise."

"Oh yeah? Well your cat told me to tell you you're ugly. Please advise."